Thanks to all of you who are still checking in on me. I appreciate the notes and comments throughout my blog!
I’m not sure why I’ve taken a break. Some of you who’ve been reading for a while have pointed out to me that it is something I’ve done at least a couple of times.
It feels like a time of great transition, but in a good way. I realized that ‘working through’ the stripper stuff on my blog was a bit overwhelming for me. I ended up having a lot of nightmares, but paying attention to my dreams did help me to make sense of some of it. I was such a confused young girl in an extremely confusing environment. I ended up emotionally right back in that space of vulnerability, fear, rage, and extreme confusion.
I am still moving forward with a plan to do something to be helpful to women who want to leave sex work and adult entertainment, but feel humbled by my sense of inadequacy and ignorance with regard to what that would even look like. I’m trying to remember that ‘courage’ thing that often eludes me. Doing this very sincerely FEELS like the right path to follow right now. Even if I am walking forward into something that I don’t understand at all.
I’ll need teachers to help me, so that is where I am going to start. What I’ve learned so far is that I don’t have the skills to be helpful. (I tried and failed already.) Other people do, so hopefully I will be able to learn!
I’m probably going to start taking classes this fall.
Take care,
Jennifer
31 Comments
I wish I had somethng helpful to offer you. I am glad that you’re moving forward. I have no doubt you’ll find your way and a way to help others.
Jennifer,
I think you are doing just fine!! I think we all have dreams of accomplishing things that are a little out of our comfort zone. But don’t set your goals so high that you feel defeated before you even start.
I have always looked forward to reading your blog. You have shown determination to do what you actually dreamed of doing. Buying your RV, decorating it and driving to the Dempster Hwy and back were huge accomplishments. Don’t sell yourself short. Not everyone is capable of doing what you have done.
Just write from your heart!!! You do not have to be an expert on any subject. I am sure that there are a lot of women who would love to know what you know.
Hang in there girl! I totally relate to having anxiety overnight about over-sharing on the web. Do whatever feels right in your gut. I enjoy your blog.
I’m concerned you might be selling yourself a little short here… look at how far you have come and where you are now; a testament to the fact that you turned things around mostly all on your own. That has to put you in at least some kind of position to lend valuable words of wisdom to others that are in circumstances that resemble where you were, yeah?
Of course if you are looking to get all professional and go to bat against the reluctant crowd that don’t want help, that’s a completely different ballgame… but just as there are those who you seek which are in need that may appreciate a business card; I’m positive there will also be quite a number out there that would willingly gravitate more toward the person you are now over the person you envision you need to become.
Another $.02 for the pot
My son, age 40, his just worked thru his first year of sobriety. He lost his job, lost his car, lost his place to live, and is still waiting for felony charges to be brought for a hit and run accident he caused a year ago. (No one was hurt.)
He has been taking course work to become a drug and alcohol counselor. His life has changed. We hope he will stay strong and be able to help others.
You changed yourself and left “the life.” I hope you will also be able to help other women. I think finding the right course work may be the path to that future. Good luck. It takes courage and you have it.
Hey Jen, it’s so good to hear from you. Think about you often, especially as our Georgia WGS Get Together is next week
11 kindred souls, wish you were closer and could join us.
FWIW I think you have tons of courage. Most people don’t even have the courage to look at themselves, examine their life, and live a conscious life. But look at you! You’re examining every aspect of your life to consciously create the beautiful and fulfilling existence that you deserve. And I figure that you ‘getting off the road’ and spending more time with your husband is concrete evidence of the tremendous healing work you’ve done. You inspire many people, including me. I wish all the best things in life for you. Examining the stripper stuff must surely be crucial, though it is difficult and disturbing. Good to examine stuff, process it, then remember to lay it down and let it go. It’s part of your past and the point of processing it is so it doesn’t rule your present or future right? OK, that’s just me lol. Hugs to you XXXOOO
Thank you for checking in. I’m amazed by how much you’ve grown in the time I’ve been reading your blog.
My best wishes to you, and you know what? I feel you will do just fine in the end, and be quite pleased with yourself and what you do for others. You just seem that sort of girl.
Hey, hey, hey!!
Kari
Hope you are doing okay. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone is trying to make a difference these days but just taking care of yourself is making the world a better place. Focus on you and what makes you happy and fulfilled. No one will do that for you and you owe it to yourself.
Half the battle is knowing you haven’t got all the answers. You are well on your way, Jennifer. Now find someone who can teach you how to find the answers to your questions. The only shame lies in being afraid to seek the answers.
It’s great to hear from you! Taking a break is sometimes exactly what you need to refocus on what is really important to you. Glad to hear you’re thinking about starting classes! BTW, I agree with Virginia – “Don’t be so hard on yourself!”
whew, what a journey, I’m exhausted just reading it!
I feel like I just traveled the world. Jenn, I thank you for sharing with us, the inner workings of the mind, heart, and soul of a woman conquering life. In so many ways I can relate, and never knew why or what it was all about, all those fears that try to stop your dreams, or those words that haunt our minds, that where delivered into us from well meaning and not so well meaning people, and the bare truth that “stuff” can smother us, or trap us. thank you for putting words to those thoughts and feelings, and showing how action can chase them away.
thank you thank you
Still checking in on your blog. Great to hear from you!
When life is a traffic jam, you can always get out and walk:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pudOFG5X6uA&feature=player_embedded
Bob, REMinded by Tioga George
I just wanted to let you know that I came accross this lady named Khama Anku. She is a former stripper and now owns her own business and is doing very well. She was not an overnight success but had to work thru her self doubt and fears. She is on YouTube. You may want to check her out. Thanks for posting. You have inspired me to get out of my shell and go after the life I want to live!!! Take care!!!
Tioga George reminded me, too. It’s true, “Everybody Hurts”.
Glad you’re still hanging in there Mr. Giddings. Glad you’re writing, again, too, Jen.
Jen,
NEW BEGINNINGS
A time finally comes when you “get it” … when, in the midst of all your tears and insanity you stop in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out “ENOUGH!! Enough fighting, crying, guilt and struggling just to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.
You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings and that any guarantees of “happily ever after” must begin with you … and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that your lost spouse wasn’t perfect, nor are you; and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who and what you are … and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did or said to you (or didn’t do or say) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that everyone will not always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself … and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties … and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new ideas and different points of view and you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really want out of the rest of your life.
You learn the difference between WANTS and NEEDS and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown through the grief process . . .or should have never bought into it in the first place.
You learn that principles such as honesty and compassion are not outdated ideals, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your new life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you begin to relearn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them to be. You learn that alone does not necessarily mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear and depression so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our souls. So you take more time to laugh and play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working towards making it happen.
Most importantly, you learn that in order to really “move on” you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help, whether it is from a friend or a professional.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it under a cloud of impending doom, gloom and sadness.
You finally actually learn that life isn’t always fair – you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes-bad things happen to good people … and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody punished you and everything isn’t always “somebody’s” fault. It’s just life happening.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison your whole world.
You learn to be thankful and take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted – things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about – a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take some responsibility for yourself and by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself again and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to trust, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
…Author Unknown
Apologies: Correct Attribution for the piece above:
The Awakening
by Sonny Carroll
Beautiful words, Jack, no matter who they came from! Jen, I am so glad to see you posting! Life is a journey and we can’t always have it the way we want it. When the going gets gnarly, you do what you need to do to cope. I think that every one who has commented on your posts has got your back. You are a brave and courageous soul! You can’t change the wind that blows you but you can adjust your sails. You’ll find a way; I have faith in you! God bless and stay safe!
Hi Jennifer, I just started reading your blog and think you are doing a wonderful job of it. Hope you keep it up and continue to inspire people.
I’ve missed you. Look forward to more of whatever you’re in to. LG
Thanks for the comments! I hope to get back to the blog, soon.
Jennifer
So I have started my own blog because of you. I have included yours on my blog. I mentioned your blog in mine while starting out. If you could give it a read and tel me what you think. Here is the address:http://myshitlife73.blogspot.com/
Hope you are doing well. I finally made it to my RV after a broken ankle in Feb. Now am in TX parked at Scott and White hosp. RV park.
Andrea
Hi–I started reading your blog because I was sort of looking for maintenance tips. I have the same model RV.
I like what you did with the dinette, have been kind of wondering how to handle the electric panels and ductwork if the table and benches were removed. It looks like you and your dad did a great job!
Jennifer….Jennifer….Ohhh Jennifer! Come out come out where ever you are!
Hi Jennifer …
I came back to your blog to post this link:
http://www.storinguptreasures.com/2011/06/love-letters-to-porn-stars.html
This is exactly what I see you doing. You have a very meaningful vision and although you’re not sure of how it will manifest itself and function as a service to women, this blog post should inspire you.
You are needed in ministry outreach. Believe in your vision because God planted it in your heart to transform your experiences into something special that will help others.
Jennifer, Still missing you. Still checking on you. Hope to hear more from you soon. LG
Hi Jennifer…..it’s been two months since we last heard from you. I am hoping all is well with you. You are missed, but we understand your need for privacy. Maybe just a teeny weeny update? Either way, you are in my/our thoughts based on the numerous posts from your readers over the last two months.
Clarke
Good Luck.. U’ll surely pull it off