This is the post I’d written for Monday, but I had an unexpected this-feels-too-personal reaction and didn’t want to publish it. Maybe it is because it came from a journal entry, since it isn’t that much more personal than stuff I’ve written before. I don’t know. It just feels really personal! (And is kind of long…)
I’ve had my Mini for almost 6 months now. (Can you believe it has been 6 months?!) So many people tell me that I’ve changed a lot over the last two years, so I wanted to journal a little bit more about that…
I feel like I should be able to write some wonderful, coherent narrative about it, but can’t. So I decided to just start with the simple examination of “I’ve learned…” and see what came out.
So, these are the things I feel like I’ve learned, so far. ; ) Some are repeated, some expanded, some new.
I’ve learned that I can engage in activities that I don’t know how to do well – that I don’t have to be the best at something to derive pleasure from it. (I’ve learned that my desire to be the best was really an attempt to the get the outside world to mark me and my work as valuable.)
I’ve learned that I am still my slightly agitated and anxious self, wherever I am. External circumstances (pretty natural environments) can be helpful and healing, but they don’t do all of the work. Learning to be centered is something I have to remember to practice, accept that I often do poorly, and keep attempting to do.
I’ve learned how to ask for help.
I’ve learned that I can do things that completely terrify me.
I’ve learned that practicing courage is important, especially when I don’t feel courageous. I’ve learned that I need to keep practicing, so that I can connect with that courage when I need it.
I’ve learned to at least try to tackle problems that seem completely beyond my comprehension.
I’ve learned to feel proud of myself. (And to tell people I am.)
I’ve learned that being honest about the darker sides of my character brings people closer to me, but also invokes hostility. (Many a deleted comment!)
I’ve learned that bumps and bruises (my poor Mini) are part of every journey. Instead of perpetually cocooning myself in an attempt to avoid risk or injury, I need to use each event as an opportunity to practice my ability to cope. The more I practice that skill, the more faith I develop in myself. The more faith I develop in myself, the more freedom I have.
I’m slowly learning to hold on to my own anxiety and not be annihilated by it – and to not attempt to get the outside world to solve that problem for me.
I’ve learned that suffering is an important part of the journey. Being brought to the end of my endurance (in suicidal depression) is what it took for me to finally learn to be humble, to listen, and to start over in my attempt to make sense of myself and how to live well in the world.
I’ve learned that I am here to learn from my own journey and have no idea what other people are here to do. This helps me to stay centered when I am around others, and not feel overwhelmed or anxious about what they are struggling with.
I’ve learned that I am not going to figure out the mysteries of the universe. I’m not going to discern meaning in a critical theory course at the University of Chicago. That a big part of the answer is, “I don’t know.” There is an inexplicable mystery that will forever be beyond my comprehension.
I’ve learned that I have no idea who my teachers are. When I am silently ruminating over how I think I know more than some person who is irritating me, I am more likely shutting down the voice of a teacher that I need to learn something from.
I’ve learned that kindness is not something I merely indulge myself in when everything is going my way, but is a discipline I need to practice – especially when I feel tired, irritated, or feel like I have a justifiable complaint against someone. Being mean is being lazy.
(I try to remind myself that my gentleness towards others is something I want to be borne out of my own choice. That my response to the world shouldn’t be determined by this jerk I want to strangle this other person on his own mysterious journey, but by my own decision about how I want to be in the world. To put it more simply, I want to be kind, because I choose to be kind, and not because others are doing and giving me everything I want. )
I’ve learned that living imperfectly in the world is how we do it. That I need to know how to forgive myself as much I need to know how to forgive others.
I’ve learned that the things I am learning do not make up a coherent narrative, but are more like patchwork growth in a never-to-be-competed quilt. (And I think the mixed metaphor works here!)
I’ve learned that I want more connection, but I’m still learning how to do that.
I’ve learned to have faith that if I stay with this, I will learn how.
*
19 Comments
It took me forever to learn, ‘…a big part of the answer is, “I don’t know.” ‘
“I feel like I should be able to write some wonderful, coherent narrative about it, but can’t.”
Uh, can’t? You hit it out of the park!
Yes, I can confidently say that 99% of people need help with many of those, myself certainly included. We all share many of the same human flaws, and need to continually strive to work on them. It’s all part of the wonderful journey, and it’s always good to know we’re not alone in our imperfections.
Thanks for sharing that, Jennifer. Excellent way to start the day.
“patchwork growth in a never-to-be-competed quilt”
Finding ways to piece together all The Good + all The Bad = One great life!
thanks so much for sharing. i love reading your blog because so much of what you write is exactly what i’m thinking.
Great post, could totally relate to 110% of it. And do get what you are saying about feels too personal. In the end i think it’s an excellent list, one worth sharing.
You’ve learned a lot!
Don’t stop here – you’ve just started!
You’re a life learner like the rest of us!
It’s been wonderful to watch you grow, live & learn.
Keep smiling and keep writing!! =)
{{hugs}}
“I’ve learned that kindness is not something I merely indulge myself in when everything is going my way, but is a discipline I need to practice – especially when I feel tired, irritated, or feel like I have a justifiable complaint against someone. Being mean is being lazy.” Thank you for sharing.
lady – you are not alone.
Bravo.
You’ve learned much and this post proves that we can learn much more from you.
Jim
I learn, then re-learn, then re-learn, then finally it kicks in most cases. Life is learning…..thanks for sharing your experiences. I too hope to someday put myself at more risk to expand myself in new environments…
Lucky
wow… i’m deeply impressed with this post! just as it has been said that 5% of the population possess 95% of the world’s wealth, i have come to see the same distribution ratio also applying with true wisdom as well and sense you’re without a doubt in that top 5% who hold 95% of life’s savoir-faire.
just knowing and embracing the concepts you have here is nine tenths of the equation, living by them though hard at times is a very small aspect of the bigger picture of knowledge.
sincerest congratulations Jennifer!!
In my sixty years of trying to be what I thought other people expected of me…I’ve eventually learned that it’s ‘okay to not be okay’, or perfect, or have perfect relationships, or moods, or perfect possessions. It’s perfectly okay to screw things up, make mistakes, have someone not like me and to break things. I do not read your blog to judge you when you post your inner feelings or thoughts that you may have posted and later regretted. Most of the individuals who leave nasty comments here click off your blog and go on about their day without giving you another thought, so don’t let their meaness get under your skin. I came here to follow your travels, but ended up finding you to be such an interesting person, and that’s why I continue to follow your blog.
They say ‘to err is human’, so I must be a mega-human. Hmmm, that last sentence reminds me of someone. I’m off to check out that motorcycle riding firemans’ blog to see how his ‘Daze’ has been doing…hope your days are doing okay, too.
Wow, wow, wow. Thanks for being my teacher again. Sorry to hear there are so many jerks leaving nasty comments, I find that bewildering (but then, the reality is there are a lot of jerks in the world). Thank you for sharing, you’re great.
Jennifer,
I always enjoy your posts but this one is especially poignant. Thanks so much for sharing your insights and for your beautiful writing.
Your lessons are those we all should learn.
Thank You.
Jennifer –
I haven’t posted or emailed ya in a while but I still check your blog! I love what you have to share so please…just be yourself! You are awesome.
Kari
I’ve learned that I am still my slightly agitated and anxious self, wherever I am… Learning to be centered is something I have to remember to practice, accept that I often do poorly, and keep attempting to do.
I’ve learned that I am here to learn from my own journey and have no idea what other people are here to do. This helps me to stay centered when I am around others, and not feel overwhelmed or anxious about what they are struggling with.
Jennifer,
In the two comments that I have copied from ‘what you have learned’ you use the term “centered” and you connect that with being “anxious”. I don’t understand! This has a lot of meaning to you because you say it twice just in different ways. Want to blog about it? Or just think about it?
You have certainly come a long way and learned a lot, but take care that you do not “over think” or “over analyze”.
Big smiles for you, Jennifer. And thanks.
Jennifer, I’ve just spent a while reading your blog, and you HAVE come a long way. I’m so glad I found your blog. I am in awe of your Alaska adventure.
Here’s a quote from Georgia O’Keeffe that popped into my head as I was reading your list of things you’ve learned:
“I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life – and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.”
Georgia O’Keeffe
I am terrified of everything, too, but knowing that others accomplish keep going while gritting their teeth helps me believe that I can, too.
Wishing you all the VERY best. Keep learning and growing. I’m cheering for you!
We ALL feel some or many of the things you’re feeling. We all think we are “the only one” because most people don’t mention negative feelings or personal inadequacies because we fear the reactions of other people. Believe me, you are not alone! Thanks for putting it out there.
Barbara