The Voices in My Head

I’m bored.

As I’ve made my way back to the Texas Gulf Coast, I’ve had this nagging feeling of… So now what?

And another nagging feeling of…I really missed David. I don’t want to feel that emptiness for a while.

And another…  So this is it? An indulgent, pleasure seeking life that is all-about-me?

I wish I could drive to Antigua and study Spanish. Maybe participate in a charity there. But you really can’t drive through Mexico right now. (I tend to think that fear-mongering is overblown, but two Mexican friends have insisted that it is not safe. One from the university town of Monterrey says he’s even put his regular road trips home on hold.)

I like natural settings, but after five months I’m getting bored with sitting in scenic spaces.

voices in my headLearning to be still is good, but wanting (or needing) engaging challenges has to be good, too.

My mind wanders to things like… Study Arabic in Egypt for a month? Start a non-profit charity?

I think the nagging reality is that my life lacks the critical component of making a meaningful contribution.

But I am afraid of commitment! And I am really afraid of personal relationships!

Maybe my next big challenge is to commit to making some kind of contribution, even if it really scares me.

I’ve had some ideas floating around in my head. (Though haunting me is probably a better description.)

One of the voices that keeps getting louder is:

“Hey, Jennifer. Wow, nice life you have now! Remember when you felt trapped as a stripper? When you spent your shift in the dressing room because the customers were dumping you for the younger girls? When you couldn’t get another job because your resume was blank for eight years? That was a scary time! Good thing your husband rescued you from a terrible fate! Hey, quick question – ever thought about about extending a hand to some of the women who aren’t so lucky? Or is your life just too sweet now to be bothered with stuff like that?”

Shut up, voices! You’re scaring me!

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