Meltdown

I’m breaking my promise not to publish another “All by Myself” meltdown. But, sticking to the themes of It’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to, as well as my desire to create a faithful record of the journey I am actually taking (and not a fictionalized one that makes me sound stronger and more fearless), I’ve decided to include this update.

Even though I had read the road warnings before, after a long drive I started really freaking out while reading about all the precarious road conditions through the Rockies and, of course, on the Dempster.

Instead of trying to rewrite a more detailed account of what happened, I figured I’d just post the short excerpt from my personal journal entry. (If profanity offends you, you should skip it.)

***

Lake Louise Campground

10:40 pm

Sometimes, like right now, I wonder what the f*ck I am doing out here. In a strange campground 2000 miles from home. Missing David. And driving in the wrong f*cking direction. 2500 miles to go.

I don’t even f*cking know where I am. I think I am in Alberta, but I might be in British Columbia.

I am so f*cking lonely! I miss David! Okay! I got the memo! I need people!

I want to do this. But why? To prove that I can? Do what? Something scary? Maybe that is part of it? To prove that I am tough and fearless? But, no, I am crying and fearful. I am not tough and fearless. I am acting like I am. I am trying to make people think that I am.

I am scared and I am lonely. Who drives to the Arctic alone!? Why would someone do that? To prove what?!

***

Not getting any comfort out of my journaling exercise, I flip to the back of the book, A Journey of One’s Own: Uncommon Advice for the Independent Woman Traveler.

Hoping to find an index entry on loneliness, the book instead opens up to a closing note by the author, Thalia Zepatos:

A Final Word

.

It felt fated that I’d opened to that page. I felt like the author was talking directly to me. Being told (once again) that feeling afraid is a part of my journey and not an indication that I am not suited for it is an important reminder.

I’ve been trying very hard to avoid the worn out cliché of “Feel the fear, but do it anyway”, but I think what I am trying to learn goes something like that…

***

p.s. The trip through the Icefields Parkway reminded me exactly why I am doing this!

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