I am kind of freaking out about how much information I post on this blog, but I can’t really come up with a logical reason for why I should be.
At this point, it is not so much that I am afraid people are going to find out these things about me (okay, maybe there are a still few things and a few people), but, strangely, I am more paranoid about people seeing that I’ve decided to share all of this private stuff.
My experience is that even the most unexpected people are really accepting in private, but that there is something indecent about sharing the same things in public. I feel like I am violating a social code or something. Does that make sense?
I mean, I really don’t know what penalty I think I will pay if people find out all this stuff or that I am sharing it publicly. As many of you have already said, people who pretend they’ve got it all together are usually full of shit. And it seems clear that I am gaining a great personal benefit by sharing all of my terrible stuff with you.
But, I’ve told you before that I still have panic attacks about this blog. They are fewer and farther between, but I am having one right now.
***
Countup: 70 days of sobriety. Damn, that is starting to sound like something.
Countdown: 88 days until I move into my RV! I have to buy something, soon.
Ask me anything you want to know about the internal combustion engine.
.
I love reading your comments and discussions, even when I don’t have the chance to reply and/or participate. I also appreciate hearing from so many new people on recent and old posts. Thanks so much for saying hello! You have no idea how much it means to me. (Or, maybe you do.)
Take care,
Jennifer
9 Comments
Hey Jennifer,
Unless you have running for a public office or adopting a child from a foreign country in your future, I wouldn’t be too worried about sharing what you have here… though you may have to revisit things if you start feeling the need to post numbers from your social security or bank account cards
I suspect your feelings are coming more from a place of strangeness, as it sounds like you have mostly kept these things to yourself? I’m sure they will continue to fade in time; maybe pare back a little on the soul sharing for the time being until you get more comfortable again?
Just think, in 9 days – your time sober will begin to get longer than your RV move in date!!
Hang in there!
A.S.
Sorry to hear about the panic attacks. I know how scary they are. Perhaps the more reassurance you receive from all of the people who comment on your blog will relieve some of your anxieties. I do hope you find peace. You have touched many lives, Jennifer! Your story is one that needs to be heard.
Thanks for the replies. I just want to post that I am feeling better. I worked out and that always helps.
As I’ve gone through my blog, I’ve realized this is a pattern – a really revealing post, then panic, then I feel better. (Oh, and then I tell you how much I love you. ha ha.)
Off to an AA meeting and school…
Take care,
Jennifer
Don’t sweat it, unless you really smell when we meet, Im sure we will get along (okay even if we smell hehe).
Blogging is a good way to keep a diary of sorts, and the people that aren’t supportive and interested, will move along. It’s the nature of the internet.
You are still quite anonymous for the most part. This is a big world, don’t be so worried. Most people have far more problems than you do.
*hugs*
What are you afraid of, exactly? You can blow the whole shop up any time you want, and return to being just another fish in the sea. Remember what A.S. said, and don’t “post numbers from your social security or bank account cards”.
You’re too smart to do that. So no worries. And no need, Miss Mechanic, to throw a wrench in things.
Maybe all this angst is just a little blowback from your alleged past. You feel nervous because you are starting to “date the customers”.
Back up. How do we really know what is true about you? Or you about us? We only have words, back and forth. That seems to be enough. Call it a leap of faith. Or another sort of dance.
I guess that’s the thing about stripping. Both the dancers and the customers are hiding in plain sight. Happy is the hand that controls the lighting. All that separates them is smoke.
That, and the questionable utility of a snoring bouncer back in the shadows somewhere.
For what it’s worth, I’m a believer. But then I’m half a leapin’ fool. The other half has always been too damn tight to pay for a lap dance. Maybe even too shy. Woe is me.
At least the beer is cheap in here.
Bob
Blogging is part of life and I feel it contributes to a persons mental health. It is a modern day diary. For the most part people that read it are not judging you. When I share things with people I have to think on it for some time. Because I think it is all about trust. When a person is not use to trusting or sharing themselves it could create the panic you are describing. Actions of you sharing shows you that people are interested and following you with support. I support you and admire you so much for being brave!! I too have a hard time trusting people. I think for people like you and I – well we should work on not caring what others may think of our actions.
My one question is your statement about NOT wanting to be alone now. Does this come up with the fact that you gave up drinking and you have more time to ponder this idea? I must of missed something else too, are you married? You are going to travel on the road without your husband because it is the arrangement you both agree with?
Keep sharing, and know that you have faithful followers…
Maybe you’re scared that others (or God?) judge you as harshly as you judge yourself (but we don’t). Maybe you can forgive yourself and accept your past as necessary chapters on the journey to becoming the cool ass person you are now. You don’t deserve to be punished, so you can stop punishing yourself. ~ hugs ~
As you know, I don’t recommend the View.
But if you really want one, this looks like an interesting proposition. Perhaps you should look it over. It is in Georgetown:
http://austin.craigslist.org/rvs/1550614576.html
Bob
Hi Jennifer,
I’ve been reading your blog for about a month but never posted anything. I’m going to tell you something that may put your fears in perspective. If my daddy had still been alive yesterday, it would have been his 100th birthday! He only lived to 79. That just blows me away for some reason. I’m 60. What I’m saying is, 100 yrs. from now, it’s not going to make a damn! You do what makes you feel best. I think the blog is great therapy for you. So quit worrying. Count your many blessing and be grateful for your inner strength and determination.’Cuz it is definitely there !!