I have spent a lot of time alone in this house over the last two and a half years. I have gone days without stepping outside, tearing through a stack of books on any new and random topic. I have played computer games, drank wine, shopped online, called my husband at the Gulf coast.
I have been insistent on my need/desire/demand to be alone and to live alone.
Then last summer I started writing on this blog. Then last fall you started writing back to me!
Then I started telling you some. really. terrible. things about myself. And you continued writing back to me!
And, somehow, bizarrely, over the last few weeks, I have started to not like being alone. I am taking off on driving sprees, almost all of which are combined with a plan to visit to some friend or family member. (I did it again this week, driving over two hours to visit a new friend!)
I think my new connections are starting to make my old reclusiveness feel terrible.
I am alone in my house realizing that I am f-cking lonely!
The weird thing is that it doesn’t feel like the recognition of some horrible and painful loneliness, but more like having your appetite come back after you’ve gotten over the flu. Like, “Damn, I am hungry! Bring me some f-cking food!”
This maybe-I-don’t-want-to-be-alone realization has been on my mind all week, but the whole topic is a little mushy melodramatic for me.
This blog is an instrument for connection, communication, and conflict – all the things that I am afraid of ineffectively navigating in relationships. Because this is such a strange and provisional online space, I think it ended up feeling like a safe test space where I can try things without the immediate demands of a face to face interaction or relationship.
So, maybe you are reading this because you like all the RV talk, but I am getting a lot more out of it than that. ; )
So, uh, let me know if you ever need an oil change or anything. No charge.
See you Monday,
Jennifer
***
Countup: Still sober…
Countdown: 91 days until I move into my RV
Auto Mechanics: I made a perfect score on my first Ford certification exam!
I have a viewing on the house tomorrow! Their agent previewed today.
.
22 Comments
Good for you Jennifer! Insight and growth. You risked opening up here and have found acceptance and encouragement (not to mention lots of info and advice). As you experience acceptance of your ‘dark side’ from others, you’re more accepting of yourself. And as you feel more comfortable in your own skin, you experience the joy of interacting with others. Everyone is flawed, but each of us are also unique and interesting beings. When we interact with the right kind of people (interested and accepting) it gives us positive energy. Way to go on your first certification exam!
p.s. Instead of all those driving sprees, you might try Meetups.com to find some fun things to do (and new friends) locally. I’ve found everything from caving, to hiking, to backgammon, to theatre outings, to meals at various restaurants, and have met some fun and interesting folks in the process.
Congratulations on that perfect score!!! Sounds like you “got” that electrical system. Another viewing on the house!!! Great. I know from our past experiences that the house will sell when you least expect it. What a thrill when that happens!! Belva
Dang. I got through the electrical chart okay. Sort of. In my plodding way.
But all this deep disarming charm stuff makes my head hurt.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_H2DePAZe2gA/S2BrIvQ_x2I/AAAAAAAALLU/QFhvvk1j3jU/s1600-h/04-21_OctopusNetsuke.jpg
Woooooo. Dizzy.
But that’s okay. I probably need the exercise.
Bob
I read your blog because its different, unique and not your typical blog. Originally I started to read because I knew you were going to start your RV journey. And although I love to hear about all of the details in your planning stages this blog has become something more than just another RV/travel blog. It presents REAL life situations, courage, and determination. I love the fact that you just “tell it like it is”! You have a unique writing style and a catchy blog that keeps your readers coming back for more.
I don’t like to hear that you are lonely! I really hope your house sells (YaY to another person coming to view it!) so that you can start to travel. You will meet some of the nicest people once you are out here. You are already meeting and making new friends just from doing this blog! There is always something to do, somewhere to go, and someone to meet while living on the road. Hang in there! You’re on your way to a much more fulfilling lifestyle.
When you experience those moments of “loneliness” just pause for a second and remember everything that Bob Solomon has taught you. He is with you always. You are never truly “alone”. 
Morning Jennifer…I started reading your blog when I found the link on hitchitch.com, and was drawn to the introduction where you speak of buying a “big ass diesel pusher” and traveling to Alaska. I’ve come back because you have a compelling writing style, and to share your journey toward a more rewarding lifestyle. You’ve come a long way. You are investing a small part of yourself in each of us with every blog entry.
I too used to love solitude as well, but then I drove an 18 wheeler for several years which scratched that itch until it broke the skin. Yet upon returning to a more interactive lifestyle, I found the same reasons why I got into being a “trucker” waiting for me right where I left them.
My introspective belief is that there has been a similar self perception at work here… being unable to reliably navigate the relationships in my life. Recently though, I have come to a suspicion that it is not my navigation skills that are at fault here, but rather a slight incompatibility with the people I have chosen to navigate with. Part of this conundrum I fear is due to my own doing, as I have built a life on things which do not suit me; the suits and ties, the nice house filled with nice things, the nice car, the nice job…
A movie I saw not too long ago really touched heavily on this theme within me “Into The Wild” have you seen it? I highly recommend watching it if you haven’t.
AS:
I didn’t see the movie, but “Into the Wild” was an interesting book. I think the original title was “Death of an Innocent”, which is about right.
I suppose the moral of the book is that you can get away with being stupid as long as you have friends around you, but once you cut yourself off from everyone, the next stupid thing you do can be fatal.
I found it sort of amazing that the main character lived as long as he did. Reminds me of the rationale of a much better book, James Dickey’s “Deliverance”.
Bob
Maybe you put yourself out there and we take a little piece of you with us and you take a little piece of us with you. So as some point you are the sane one and we are all crazy!
I’m sure that I’m not the only one that has noticed you growing stronger, in spite of revealing very personal stuff.
I started reading your blog because you can write, and I return each day to see your progress and growth and somehow, a beautiful lady, in heels, working or cars, doing oil changes, just seems unreal.
By the way, most guys cannot read that schematic, and can’t trouble shoot electrical problems.
James
Jennifer, Sorry to be replying to bob… but I feel this needs to be said:
Bob-
I get the sense you have some strong feelings about the life of Chris McCandless? It also appears that you may be revealing a bit of a tendency to be pessimistic?
One of Chris’s favorite authors Jack London wrote that he would rather be ashes than dust. Life can be many things for many different people… some burn out quickly, others last to the bitter end while most of us fall somewhere in between. Just because the life of another differs from what you do and what you may believe in at the moment does not make them stupid or their stories more or less significant than someone else’s…
A.S.
Jen
We will meet in real life, I guarantee that, whether you come to me or we meet in between.
Part of your travels is learning and growing. Learning about who you want to become. Growing into the person you want to be.
We all spend our life changing, some people change for the good, some not.
I think your change is good.
Keep blogging!!!!
Hugs
Hey, I just found your site. I like your sense of humor but most importantly your ability to thumb your nose at the norm and do something… hmm, nomadic (I hope that is really a word). I think more people need to release the material things in life, live simply and be… happier (I hope that is really a word – ha ha).
I shall continue to follow.
Oh A.S. I don’t think that Bob meant anything negative in his comment towards you. You see, Bob has a very unique way of writing and expressing himself on here. He’s really a great guy that’s full of valuable information. You just have to get used to him! At one point I called him a name on here (we won’t repeat it) and I was really upset at the time that he had offended Jennifer. But after I took the time to read Bobs blog: http://www.arcatapet.net/bobgiddings/ (it’s not updated but worth a read about his past travels) I realized that that’s just who Bob was. His sense of humor is very twisted and different than most peoples. He’s a good man. Just get to know his personality and you’ll grow to love him like we all have (except that “Anon” person who has mysteriously vanished from this blog….uh huh…we know you are now lurking among the many readers who choose not to comment). Bob you should come with some sort of warning label! lol
Thanks for your words Angie. Although I did didn’t read Bob’s comments to be derogatory toward me I appreciate what you said nonetheless. I do fear however that Bob is missing a very valuable perspective with this…
Although we are spoiling a bit of the plot here for those who have not seen the movie or read the book… I see an optimistic side to this tragedy, where an intelligent young man with a bright future ahead of him recognized a growing and overwhelming sense of rebellion in him. This rebel with a cause set out like the pioneers, who discovered and established this great country of ours, to get to the bottom of that inner sense of turmoil. Only his was a mental journey rather than a trek across unknown oceans and countrysides; to gain a better self understanding behind the rationales of many things, one being why furthering his education was just as if not more expensive than the $24,000 he choose to give away so that it could feed thousands of starving people.
I’ll reply to your personal email Bob so we can continue this discussion offline.
For those who are still interested, the book and movie have both been named if you’d like to come to your own conclusions
Well, uh…thanks Angie…uh… I think.
AS: This is a comment space, not the blog itself, so I guess the only limit on discussion lies in the hands of the Mighty Editress Herself. Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission, I say. So here goes:
I get the impression now that you think Chris McCandless was some sort of hero? I’m going out on a limb here. It’s hard to tell.
Maybe that’s the difference between watching a movie and reading a book. Movies romanticize everything. I mean, you can’t just say: “Here’s was a kid with a head full of mush, and it killed him”. Who would go see that?
Consider: In the space of a year, he cut himself off from everyone that ever cared about him. He gave away $24,000, and burned up his wallet and ID in a campfire. Then he wandered off into “wild Alaska” with no plan and no clue. Unless you call 10 pounds of rice and a .22 rifle a plan. “Wild Alaska” was unimpressed, didn’t figure it owed him a living, and promptly killed him.
He starved to death. His body weighed 67 lb. when neighbors found him. He had holed up in the back of an abandoned van in the final months, only a few miles from help. Is this heroic? Or is it just dumb?
What he attempted to do has been accomplished many times by people who make some attempt to prepare. My dad’s cousin Lewis Giddings did something similar back in the 1930s, when Alaska really WAS a wilderness, and didn’t just play one on TV.
Lewis was still in his teens, going to college. One fall semester, he had a bush pilot drop him off in the middle of Nowhere, AK, with a thousand pounds or so of carefully chosen tools and supplies. He made a shelter and survived the winter. After spring breakup he cut down trees, made a raft, and floated back down to somewhere you could call civilization.
But Lewis studied up first. He had a detailed plan. For months, he talked to anyone he could find who knew anything about the backcountry. He even wrote a bunch of letters home saying everything was okay, and had a friend periodically mail them to his parents. He didn’t want them to worry.
He could have died. But not because he didn’t try to think things out. Not because he didn’t have a plan.
In his 60s Lewis was killed by a drunk driver who ran a red light in Providence, Rhode Island. You can’t plan for that. But you can at least plan against starving to death.
So what do I think about Chris McCandless? Well, all I can say is, death is a tragedy. But sometimes it is also a farce.
Bob
There’s so much about your blog and your writing that we enjoy. This means we really like you too! You’re doing the world a disservice by being alone so much, because you have a lot to offer humanity. Really!
It’s great to hear that you feel like eating again.
You go girl! I love that you are doing the automotive class and foloowing your RV dream. I’m so jealous! Can you change my oil on my car? I can give you the $19.95 now!
I love that you blog. I love reading whats going on with you! I am so glad that you are ready to get back out there and explore coming out of your house more.
We need some all night talks like we used to do!
Congrats on the 2 months of being sober. I also wanted to suggest that when you have someone coming to see your house…make some cookies right before they come. It makes the house smell good and then leave them on the counter for them to eat. I would buy those breakoff cookies at the store that you just put in the oven and make about 6. People love it!
Love ya,
TRACY
Bob,
I had sent you an email shortly after my post so that we could talk about this off topic subject away from Jennifer’s blog as you offered.
I also believe that asking permission first is something which reflects a higher degree of manners when compared to a blind act that would require forgiveness…
It might be a better option to reply to what I sent to you personally rather than re-editing and adding to a post which I and most likely others here have already read.
A.S.
Sorry – my fault regarding Bob’s re-edited post. I deleted Bob’s first post (the original) and third post (the one explaining that he accidentally double posted the same content because the first one didn’t show up.)
I kept the second one because I liked being called the Mighty Editress. ; )
I listened to Into the Wild audio book on my road trip home from Michigan last summer. I enjoyed it! (And I always enjoy your discussions in the comments sections…)
Thanks!
Jennifer
AS: I never got any email. click on my name, look at the bottom of the page for a yahoo address.
Bob
WOW! Aced the first test! Too bad Tex is so far from me…you can change my oil (well, the car’s) any day!:) That electrical stuff would send me into a coma. All I know is electrical tape…I have lots of it in my boat box…it’s the boater’s Duct tape! HAHA!’
Oh…and about the “Superboy-whatever-he-named-himself” who did the Alaska death trip? Sean Penn glorified the boy…of course. Sells movies.
The book’s author also somewhat romantisized him
…he had good “intentions” but they killed him. He also had no plan…anyone who goes camping (ANYWHERE) has, or should have, a plan. And the movie omitted that he had a map (yes, it was found), also his wallet and ID, voting card, etc. were in his backpack,& he still had $300 in it, but apparently he just left his trust fund untouched …a lot of “movie-discrepancies”, of course.
AND he did NOT die of potato-seed poisoning…no toxins found. Hollywood stuff. He starved to death with a fish-filled river mere yards away (he even had a damn fishing pole!)AND a 600# Moose he had no clue how to preserve? Jeez!
Sad…but true. Just scary dumb/unprepared.
Have to agree with Bob….rough wildernesses will separate the weak from the survivors…Darwinism at its finest.
He was likeable, sweet, and very ignorant. And I do NOT think he wanted to die…but his death/story did have an enormous impact on folks so…so maybe all was not lost? Next soul-searcher that takes on a wild wilderness adventure to find their true self..they might plan it better?
Hello everyone, it’s me again talking about this story again
The details of Chris’s life and the ways in which it has been told really were not things I was setting out to draw attention to and I certainly would not want to get into a debate over every little detail, as obviously many of the facts are truly unknown and hypothetical (how could one say that he never sustained a suspected injury or ingested something that was poison which may have worked their way out of his system from an autopsy perspective as he became more and more debilitated from malnourishment?)
The thing that saddens me though now that opinions have been voiced, is how there seems to be divide with the perception of him and the mission he set out to complete. One side tries to see him as a brave and adventurous truth seeker who abandoned conventional logic and boldly traveled thousands of miles with next to nothing in terms of provisions in the search of answers to questions that a formal education could not teach – the other camp seems to fault him for this lack of abiding by the very rules he set out to escape and then subsequently dismisses the ideals behind his quest because of that fact.
Granted the kid set out without an “acceptable” plan, but that was the point… not having an overly thought out plan WAS the plan… believing he could exist more happily alone, without blindly obeying the “rules” of what he labeled as our society.
In the movie toward the very end Chris’s character comes to the realization that even though being alone is and was not the answer, the very companionship he had been dismissing was necessary to his happiness and now that he realized this, there were no companions to be had; not only for happiness but also for survival… his new knowledge may have come at a time and with a price where it was too late – being mentally ready to move on but also being in physical circumstances which led him to this wisdom that were quite possibly going to prevent him from ever doing so.
Here is where it comes full-circle; our Mighty Editress posted feelings of being lonely, recognizing she has in the past, been attracted to being alone. Now for the twist! She is not in Alaska, she is not in debilitating circumstances… Jennifer is in a position now to take that knowledge of companionship Chris’s character never got the chance to live in a direction that I expect will bring her a newfound happiness! That’s where I was trying to go with my reference to that story.
I hope this makes some more sense?
P.S. Bob- I did send and resend an email from my hotmail account I verified made it to my sent items to your yahoo address, maybe it got identified as spam on your end?
A.S.
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