This post is going to give me a panic attack

I keep wanting to write about my not-drinking and my going to AA, but everything I write I throw away. It just comes out too weird and contorted.

So, I am just going to write a big messy post about it.

I’ve been going to meetings, but haven’t been sharing or introducing myself. They ask for people in their first 30 days of sobriety to raise their hand, but I don’t like to do that. (I mean, it makes me feel like at every meeting I am supposed to scream out that I’ve accepted the Savior and am asking for everyone to clap for me.)

notworkingI have met some really amazing women who have come up to me after the meetings. (Though I am supposed to call them, and, of course, I haven’t done that either.)

I mean, in some ways, stopping drinking is easier for me than the socializing I am supposed to do with these women to help me stop drinking! (They are super nice, absolutely wonderful; I am just a weirdo.)

I feel like it is easier for me to talk to you guys on this blog than to raise my hand and share in a meeting.

So, what are the messy components of this incoherent not-drinking narrative that I can’t write? Here are some of the issues:

I don’t think that I drink as much as many people, but I am worried about my drinking.

I am worried about my drinking, because I have to be very, very careful about things that alter my mood.

Because I have to be very, very careful about things that alter my mood, I have to get a lot of rest, exercise regularly, try to engage in charitable activities, etc. You know, all the things that any therapist, pastor, life coach, or self help book is going to tell you to do.

Drinking alcohol (even moderately) gives me a lot of generalized anxiety and fear over the days that follow. Technically classified as a depressant, it also affects my mood.

So, over the years, I have been obsessive in my control of it. (I didn’t even drink for the first several years of my stripping!)

My fear and frustration is that I feel like I am losing my grip on that control. (Even though my consumption may still be almost moderate.)

On several occasions over the past year, after I started drinking, I didn’t stop. Totally disgusting. Totally alcoholic behavior. Seriously, I am a control freak, this is humiliating to me.

After that, I gave it up for 30 days, 60 days, etc., but then would try to drink again, and it would be the same thing.  After a couple of drinks, it was only brutal and miserable self control that kept me from drinking more.

Even though I was often able to stop after two, it required so much self discipline that I told my husband it was easier and more pleasant for me to just not drink.

Still, on a couple more occasions, after a couple glasses of wine, I didn’t stop.

That is what happened the night before I wrote the “I can’t believe I’m a drunk post.”

So, I don’t think I really drink that much.

But I really want a glass of wine.

And I really think that I shouldn’t have one.

That is my big messy post.

See you Monday.



Countup: 17 days of no drinking!

Countdown: 140 days until I move into my RV!

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