“F**k you, Asshole!”
I stood in the parking lot humiliated, wearing little more than my red stilettos as the 6′6″ man flew toward me. His clenched fists flying first.
A protective move placed the diminutive frame of a quick thinking valet driver between me and the assault. My protector crashed into me as he took the punch, knocking us both to the ground.
Within seconds, the police had jerked my assailant’s fists behind him, throwing him onto a nearby car.
I burst into tears.
I had stripped an eight hour shift and had nothing to show for it.
Insisting the cash he owed me was in his car, the man had been trying to get me out of the club and into the parking lot. My suspicious reluctance as his tried to draw me away from the club entrance finally prompted his violent rage.
Selling your body is degrading. Selling your body and being broke, even more so.I don’t tell anyone that I used to be a stripper. (It doesn’t easily work itself into a conversation.) But I’ve lived so comfortably for ten years now, that those eight years are almost completely blotted from my memory.
But something about this blogging is bring them back.
Something even stranger is prompting me to write about them.
I keep getting flashbacks of being on stage. Or of working in the club. Things I haven’t thought of in years.
I don’t know why.
Is this blogging bringing back that familiar feeling of over-exposure and insecurity? Or is this some effort to finally reflect on it from a protective distance? An awkward attempt to make you work through this with me as I disclose all of my secrets? Some of each?
29 Comments
Well… Good Monday Morning to Everyone from Jennifer…ha ha who is never failing to push us further towards truth and freedom.
I believe your comments may come in slower today as the post requires more reflection rather then a quick reaction.
Very interesting parallel you draw between the two. You have definitely seduced us with your perspective, talent and journey. But I am not sending you a dollar. LOL.. jk.. oh.. please don’t hang me for my irreverence. I mean no disrespect by it. Humor has been my greatest healer.
I only needed one cup of tea this morning with the shocking post. Thank you so much for sharing and perhaps bringing up issues that some may be uncomfortable addressing.
I know this entire blog is addressing your suggestions of exposure, insecurity and perhaps everyone’s need in life to be recognized and loved, which is why we come here EVERYDAY to read your soul and reflect on ours – and the way we may judge others perhaps? idk.. i think i need my second cup of tea now, I am getting to deep and reflective.
Are you under the covers today with your latest disclosure? Come out come out wherever you are!
I actually know of several women who currently do or have danced for a living. These women I speak of here are far from your stereotypical definition of an exotic dancer. Sure they get up on stage and perform just like any other, but these women all have master’s degrees and PhDs. Highly educated and intelligent women. So what would bring a woman to actually do this? Well the money of course. And yes, there are some women (very few) that can actually go and do this type of job without getting wrapped up into the “behind the scenes” of the lifestyle. A majority of exotic dancers are heavy into drinking and hard core drugs. Along with those expensive habits some women also perform little jobs on the side (oral sex, booty calls, etc.) which can be lead to contracting all sorts of diseases. So when people hear “exotic dancer” they should understand that there are many different lives within that industry. And as for the respectable women I know, I don’t see anything wrong with making money that way. As dirty as the job title may appear, there is a “clean” way to bring home good money.
Very interesting story Jennifer. Kudos to you for having the courage to openly admit and share your life stories with us. I look at you no differently, I am not one to judge. Perhaps this blog is going to serve not only as a travel companion but an outlet for healing and expression as well. Keep the posts coming – you’ve got us all hooked and intrigued!
WOW!!!
It must have taken you a very long time to write that!
While shocking, it makes no difference, I’m still riding as a passenger on your journey, even if you take a detour or two.
James
Get outta here! No way. I would have never guessed it. Granted, I have no other cues to play from other than what I have read on your blog, but I must admit, I never would have guessed.
I have had many friends who danced in their past. Some looked at it as a job, some looked at it as a necessary evil to get to where they wanted to be.
Hell, my wife still wants to give it a shot at some point. Heh. I don’t think she ever will, but she sure wants to. HAHAHA.
Sounds like you got some of the scary part of that business. Some of the stories I have heard from our friends can be quite frightening.
Most have moved on, and out of the scene, becoming nurses, moms, wives…but they always have the memories of that time. It takes some serious balls to get up there and do something like that. Even more so to tell everyone you’ve done it too. Good job.
Hey Jennifer…WOW! I didn’t see that coming. It’s interesting how “we” form opinions of people we meet in person, or, in this case, “virtually”. Like most people I see people I don’t know well in a 1 dimensional way, or to put it another way, in the context of my limited relationship with them. In reality people are all very complex, and multi faceted. Normally it takes several years to really get to know someone well. A wise woman once said, “the only happy people I know are people I don’t know very well”. Your willingness to reveal the many facits of your life that make up who you are today is refreshing.
You certainly have a fascinating story, Jennifer! I think you might also be one of the bravest people I “know”. Brave means ready to face danger and pain. Sharing this is brave, as you are willing to open up your past. And, being able to maintain that job for eight years was also very brave. Also, I believe getting rid of one’s possessions frees the mind. I experienced that feeling as I purged my files after retiring from my 35 year career, into which I had poured all of my energy and creativity. It took me awhile to face that whole stash of materials, but it was a very exhilarating experience. You are allowing yourself to become more liberated with each step. I hope this brings you peace. You deserve it!
I love it! Well, except that scary moment when all was NOT great! ACK!
One of my college pals was putting herself thru college as an “exotic dancer” in a pricy stripclub….(and paid for her great clothes, rent, wonderful dinner parties,etc!):)
I always, secretly, envied her. I think most of us did.
She used to tell us how powerful she felt…(I think she went on to become a lawyer.)
You know….in the “higher eschalon” communities across this country there is, reportedly, a great yearning for strip and pole-dancing lessons…and I hear the clients pay rather well!
Just saying!
Thanks for coming back to class! Hope your Sunday off was a great one! LD
Brave, brave girl. Know that it is now safe for you to process this painful chapter from your past again, and release it to the ethers for good. We are only as sick as our secrets after all. How liberating to shine a light on what was once dark and deep. You are free now. I can’t speak for the others, but I am here to support you and cheer you on as you grow and have the courage to be your authentically wonderful self (not the person that your siblings or family think you ’should’ be. I come from a large family also, and have learned that you must be extremely careful of the so-called ‘good intentions’ of others, which are really more about their own egos than about who you are. I observe and admire your courage!
I was just thinking about this as I reflected upon the lack of funds in my wallet…”Maybe I should start stripping.” The pay is excellent and as long as I keep my nose clean and stay out of the drama, perhaps it could work. I mean, there are NO jobs to be had right now but the strip club always seems full. Then again, I don’t even know how to dance! lol
Two college degrees and I can’t nab a job bagging groceries or cleaning toilets…
“I don’t tell anyone that I used to be a stripper.”
You should be proud of your history, it’s what makes us unique, and I’m sure you’ve got a ton of funny stories to tell, way better than the crappy scary ones!
Hello Jennifer,
What an interesting Journey, you life has been.
Now you turn another corner and start down a new road.
As Aerosmith quaintly puts it “life is a journey, not a destination”.
No one’s past is perfect nor should they believe that it is (some of the more perfect people forget that they too, have some checkers in their past).
There are times in our life that we do things, whether it be merely for money, status or both, or just a way to live until the next road takes us somewhere else.
Not many people would be willing to post it tho, that I will give you.
As I have stated before, you are brave.
Your posts are honest and raw.
I think that is what draws me to them.
At least you keep us readers on our toes.
You and I will have a good conversation (in person) in the future about how our journey’s have come thus far, and how we arrived to where we are. Not in terms of real-estate, but in terms of who we are.
We can stack our checkers together and have a good laugh over them!
Sending you a hug. I think you are so right to let the secrets out, they are painful to keep inside. Read your blog everyday you are on a great journey.
Hi Jennifer,
We do what we need to do to get by. I haven’t been reading your blog for long and I don’t know what kind of work you do now, but living in an r.v. will greatly reduce your expenses. Don’t listen to your brother for a minute; as somebody else said here, it is very liberating to free yourself from possessions. Some folks thought I was crazy too. I moved out of my condo and into my motorhome so I could rent out the condo and save more money for retirement. The plan worked very well for me and is still working; I’ve had no regrets. I met some of the most wonderful people when living the R.V. lifestyle, including my husband (there are many single men living that way, and not many women). My neighbors in general were friendly, kind, helpful and supportive. Stay focused on your goal and I’m sure it will work out.
You guys are wonderful! I feel like I am playing this game of psychological chicken with you. Sort of like, “Um, okay, so do you STILL like me?” I was sick this morning, but felt so happy to see the comments this evening!
Dear Joey, Sorry for the shock. I didn’t know if you knew that story, but your dollar comment did make me laugh!
Dear Angie, Yes, there is a real mix in the clubs and many/most of the women are not doing well. I’ve heard they are even worse these days (I worked during the 90s), so I know I should be careful about staying I was a stripper. From the stories I hear, I think it might mean something else now. Thanks for your kind words!
Dear James, I’ll admit, my dad’s name is James and I was *really* afraid of what you were going to say. You are kind and, yes, it did take me an extraordinary amount of time to write that one. (And to get up the nerve to post.)
Dear Wade, I think it is funny that it was such a shock to you! I take that as a compliment. You seem to know a bit about people from that world… (enough to know to discourage your wife, I hope? ; )
Dear Clarke, You always have a kind word. I think your comment about the real complexity of every person is important and something we have to remember. I often think that we experience ourselves as chaotic, but imagine others as more static… (Or is that just me? Ha ha.)
Dear Barb, I was *really* worried about rejection from you on this disclosure. You are so warm, but I feared I had pushed the limit. Your students were the luckiest students in the world! How is it that you are so calm and encouraging with everything? (Is it the cooking? Ha ha. Maybe that is the secret I am missing.)
Dear Lady Di, Why do I have a feeling that you can’t be shocked? I’ve seen that pole dancing training and it really cracks me up. The funny thing is that most dancers don’t actually pole dance like those fitness girls! If I were ever upside down on that pole and I would have fallen on my head.
Dear GypsySoul, I am so glad to hear from you! I talked about you in psychoanalysis today. : ) Your sharing meant a lot to me. Thank you for the kind words for me. You seem to understand that large family dynamic…
Dear Jessica, I was on your site watching your videos last night! Regarding dancing, I was trying to help two women who were trying to get out of stripping this year, and, yikes, it has gotten *bad*. All those people at the club are probably 100 dancers for 50 customers. I’ve heard the bad economy has women really pushing the limits to make money, which makes it really, really bad for everyone.
Dear Karyn, You usually post earlier, so I thought, “Oh no! Karyn dumped me!” when I didn’t hear from you. Ha ha. I am so insecure. Thank you so much for your comment. We will get together and swap stories!
Dear Jean, Thank you so much for the hug and letting me know you are reading the blog. I had no idea that my RV journal was going to turn into this, but there is some strange safety in being able to test out disclosure in an anonymous way.
Dear Mary Ann, Thank you for the encouragement and for sharing your experiences with me. It helps me tremendously to hear about other people dealing with people thinking they were crazy, but that it really was a good choice for them!
Again, you guys are wonderful!
Jennifer
HAHA! Yeppers! NOT much “shocks” me…(except political stuff..) hehheh.
BUT I do understand your recent admission was personally poingnant…..for you more than anyone.
And I admire that step on your part.
I am far more secretive…or, is it, self preserving?
But then…YOU are the Blogger…not I.
KUDOS!
And OK…whatever I find must have “sliders”..I suppose?
I still wonder…what do ya do when said slider refuses to slide? Do you stay put? Frantically call for help…what????
Still pusueing “vintage
“pursuing”….oops.
I was working babe! I would have posted earlier but could not get on the computer!
I would never dump you.
Take care, blog soon!!!
Great post. You are amazing and a strong woman for sure! The link below is one I know you will enjoy.
http://www.alisonslife.com/
Dear Jeff,
Thanks so much for the link! I love to find solo women travelers more than anything, so Alison’s blog is a great discovery.
Jennifer
No problem, I have a few more blogs I read, both guys and girls that travel solo. I can post them here for you if you want? Im not sure if you want links posted here on YOUR site though? E-mail me if you want.
I forgot about this one, I have to share it with you as she is up in the area you are going to be traveling.
http://travelswithmiranda.uskeba.ca/
Dear Jeff,
How have you found all of these?! I have spent hours and hours searching, with very little success.
Please post any others that you know. I will probably end up adding them to my links. I love to read the blogs of solo women travelers (esp RVers).
Thanks!
Jennifer
Haha, I have been “dreaming” of hitting the road for a few years, So I have a few of my favorites that I will gather and pass along when I get to my home computer. Glad you like-em…
This is one of my favorites, old but great Alaska pictures and reading. http://www.bhoffcomp.com/alaska/alaska_main.htm
Another great one. http://suethomas.ca/
One more Alaska / Canada one I like. http://roadtrip-06.blogspot.com/
New one I found and haven’t really read much of but I think you will like it. http://hisgirl2455.blogspot.com/
These will get you started, sorry in advance for a couple sleepless nights of staying up reading
Let me know if you want more…
Well, I am going nuts! I posted a few links and don’t see them here. Let me know if they turn up or I can re-post them.
It happens to me, too. I post comments and they don’t show up. But, they will eventually! If you have duplicates, I can remove them if you need.
(But, you still might be going nuts.)
Thanks!
Jennifer
I’ve got them, now. I have my comments on auto-approve, but I guess the spam blocker didn’t like the links. I was able to pull them out of the spam blocker.
Thanks!
Jennifer
Haha, Im much better now. Enjoy.
Hey Jennifer-
i stripped for a living for 10 years myself. it’s been 18 years since i quit and i still think about it at least a couple of times a week and dream about being in clubs from time to time. it was a huge chunk of my life and it would be weird if i DIDN’T think about it.
i’m not ashamed of it, but i am aware of how judgmental some people can be so i choose who i share that with. like, i don’t tell my MIL lol. but anyone that i have a close relationship with knows. and, i don’t want to be close to anyone who thinks that my having stripped makes me a lesser person.
it’s interesting that you equate the experience of stripping physically with psychotherapy (stripping your soul?). i will have to that analogy myself. maybe it’s all of the same piece of cloth – it would seem to me that accepting that part of your life rather than burying it would be helpful. repressed stuff has a bad habit of popping out to bite us at the most inopportune times.
oh, and i’m like you – i would’ve fallen on my head if i’d tried hanging upside down on a pole too LOL!
Dear Dawn,
No way! Ha ha. Now I feel the response to you that everyone had to me. It is very weird to me how this blogging makes me think about it. It might be because I am not very social, so dancing and blogging are two things that I have done where I really interacted with people.
Glad to related to my pole dancing history. I mean, I never even wanted to do that. I look really ugly hanging upside down. ha ha.
Thanks, so much, for sharing that with me!
Jennifer
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[...] an aside, some people have asked how I could have been a stripper if I am so shy. The issue is that I get paralyzed with shyness when I have to talk about myself. I [...]