Some people think that having a complete mental breakdown is just terrible. And, yes, I agree, there is a lot that sucks about it. But there is an upside.
After that moment, you don’t worry about the same stupid shit anymore. You don’t care if you drive a piece of shit car or if you publicly humiliate yourself by falling down naked in front of a crowd of laughing strangers. (It happened.)
Your gun-in-the-mouth episode becomes an important point of reference. Nothing will ever be as bad as that moment. Nothing.
The experience is completely humbling and completely freeing at the same time. You recognize that everything you’ve ever done, tried, learned, or listened to, didn’t work. In a very clear sense, you recognize that you have completely failed.
From that point forward, the world is radically broken open. You can (and must) try anything and everything that is different from the way you have done it before.
And that part is actually wonderful. It’s thrilling and terrifying and enlivening. It is an opening up of possibilities that you could never imagine.
So, getting to the point where you put a gun in your mouth is bad. But getting to radically start over after you take it out is pretty damn good.
7 Comments
Wow! Thats deep…
I’m glad that you were able to overcome and start over again.
I lost my Father to suicide…..I can honestly say I understand it fully. It took me many many years to understand it….but it makes complete sense.
**Big hugs**
You are a beautiful person Jennifer. You have so much to offer! Thank you for sharing your story.
Good post, Altought I’m sorry you had to go through that, if it brought you to a better point in your life, that is great.
I firmly believe hard times build who you are, and you are someone I look forward to meeting.
*big smile*
PS I had to remove my blog, was being stalked by my ex. Will get a trip diary together when we get on the road.
We lost a very dear nephew to suicide. I wish every day I could lift some of the burden from his parent’s shoulders. You gave yourself another chance. And, you have opened a whole new world as a result. Reinventing oneself is very liberating. We can all learn so much from you. And don’t be afraid to ask for help, even from the blogosphere! Take care.
I made myself that promise as a kid. I knew someone who succumbed to the lure of suicide. I decided then and there that if things got THAT BAD I was just going to pick up my things and disappear. Start over. New beginning. Funny how life just kind of pushes in that direction anyway. Vacations are just little mini escapes. I can’t wait to do it permanently…
I guess I’m addicted to your blog now. I hit it twice a day. Heh.
Thank you all for your comments. I hope my discussion was helpful and not hurtful with regard to each of our family histories.
Angie, I am so sorry about your father. Someone very close to me also lost their father (and brother) to suicide. I know they still struggle with it, very deeply.
Karyn, I appreciate your perspective. I feel the same way. I hate to hear this about your blog. Are you thinking about starting a new, more anonymous one? I’d love to continue to follow your journey, somehow.
Barb, I feel visceral pain in my body when you talk about your nephew. I hope your nephew’s parents are finding some kind of healing. Thank you for your kind words, to me.
Wade, I’m sorry this was something you had to think about as a kid. Strangely insightful response, though. You must have started very early in your independent thinking….
Again, thank you all for responding.
Jennifer
Wow!
I’ve only been following you for 2 days.
Certainly not a Tioga George post!
My take is different from others.
I am near retirement and will soon do a solo RV thing until I am unable to travel.
I also own a 9mm – I tell friends and family it’s my health insurance policy.
Looking forward to more posts.
John
Dear John,
Thank you for your comments. I am glad you are reading and enjoying the posts!
Jennifer
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