Me and my AA friends

February 24, 2010 – 6:00 am

I am the worst AA student. (But I am a good mechanics student! Okay, back to the topic….) I hear people in the meetings say, “I was lucky to have the gift of desperation.” Well, I guess I am unlucky with that. I am lucky in that I recognize that I cannot drink successfully, but I don’t feel ‘desperate’ with regard to my relationship with alcohol. (Doomed? Maybe that.)Lips-That-Touch-Liquor-Shall-Not-Touch-Ours

The catch is that I like these people so much! They are the funniest damn people. They are the most *real* group of people you will ever encounter. AA meetings have all the happy spiritual feel good of some low-key church with all the “Let me tell you what a f*ck up I am” realness (and hilarity) of a bar.

People tell terrible stories about themselves! (And not just from their past when they drank, but from how they are still living very imperfectly today – as a parent, employee, spouse, etc.)

There is no pretentiousness, no self righteousness. Everyone shares their own experience in such an honest and raw way. You cannot believe the horrible stuff you start to laugh at. (People cry too, of course.)

So, I don’t have the gift of desperation. I pretty much suck at doing all the stuff I am supposed to do. I am not always sure I really want to quit drinking forever. But I know that of all the people I know, this is the group of people that I just want to be like. And I guess I have to quit drinking to do that.

So, congratulations to me. I get my 3 month chip today.

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A few changes

February 22, 2010 – 6:00 am

Remember when I told you I was starting to realize that I was lonely? Well, that really took me on a wild head trip. I mean, not only did I have this new realization to contend with, but it scrambled a lot of my thinking with regard to solo travel.the-computer-demands-a-blog

So, I haven’t got it all figured out yet, but I do know one new thing – my husband and I are moving in together. We’ve been together almost constantly for the last few weeks and it has been wonderful.

He is a big supporter of my travel plans, but how that will work is in flux right now. I’ve always been the itinerant traveler, with him catching up with me in random spots, so my new plan will probably still be some approximation of that.

All I know is that right now I just want to hang out with him.

I really feel like these giant blocks of ice are just falling off of me. It is like I have been in a frozen emotional state for the last two to three years and didn’t even know it. I mean, the evidence was there that I was withdrawing, but I had no idea how bad it had gotten until I’d started to come out of it.

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Taking a break, for now

February 9, 2010 – 6:00 am

I’m happy, I’m healthy, but I can’t write about myself anymore.

I will still post irregularly if something significant/relevant happens (and certainly when I start traveling), but this current micro-self-analysis isn’t working for me right now.

I am actually in the process of winding down my psychoanalysis as well. I think this blog, in many ways, has been an important final reflection of that work.

I’ve loved the constant interaction with you and will miss that more than anything!

Take care,

Jennifer

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By Jennifer | Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (22)

Dreaming of Solo Women

February 8, 2010 – 6:00 am

I have been radically rethinking my radical rethinking and my brain is worn out. I am learning so much from you as I plan and process. It is impossible for me to imagine what this ’solitary’ journey would look like without you.dont_follow_me_sign

One thing I’ve realized is that I’ve woven in a lot of different things together and tried to call them one thing. I’ve got (at least) these three things going:

1) Wanting a simpler material existence

2) Wanting adventure

3) Wanting to run away

I had a strange dream last night. I was selling some of my really expensive designer clothes, and I had collected them in a bag that looked like my Meals on Wheels delivery bag. A woman was looking at them and I realized I had mistakenly included a favorite old denim skirt that I’d wanted to keep.

The dream included Alison from Alison travels (she was looking at the clothes I was selling) and a woman who had received electro-shock therapy for her shingles. I am obviously dreaming about this blog and solo women travelers, but can’t quite figure out what it all means.

This will be a good dream to discuss in analysis on Wednesday.

Your comments last week mean more to me than you can imagine. Thank you!

Take care,

Jennifer

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Blogus Interruptus

February 4, 2010 – 6:00 am

I need to take a short break from this blog. I am sick of myself and my writing is starting to feel like narcissistic navel gazing.

All of my plans are still on. But, of course, I need to be more flexible and patient with regard to this journey.  (Two things that seem to be a theme in things I am learning here from you.)

I need to focus on selling the house and getting out of debt first. After that, I can focus on buying an RV and taking my trip.

My hope is that all this happens this summer, but I am putting too much pressure on myself with deadlines. Goals and targets are good, but my arbitrary deadlines are kind of stupid and outside the scope of what I am truly hoping to accomplish.

I feel so grateful for the kind guidance I get from you all. I don’t know why you take the time to help me out (and others who are reading this?), but I do appreciate it. I feel like I must owe someone, somewhere, a huge payment. Maybe I just owe the universe a repayment of the kindness shown here to me.

I am not quitting the blog, but I do need to take a break to think or, better said, to stop thinking so much about myself.

I hope you are all doing well!

I will post an update on Monday.

Take care,

Jennifer

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Absent

February 3, 2010 – 6:00 am

ambition03

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A critical factor

February 2, 2010 – 6:00 am

I’m calling two banks today to apply for financing for my RV purchase.

I’m calling a tiny bank I’ve used for years in Northern Michigan and a tiny bank we used to buy my husband’s house on the Gulf Coast.

I’m not sure how the financing is going to look for me. My credit scores for the three credit reporting bureaus are 715 (Transunion), 704 (Experian) and 690 (Equifax).

I will probably have to use my husband’s income to help me qualify. My Austin house (only in my name) has a mortgage payment of $2250 — a big chunk of my gross monthly income. (Even if I have to rent my house, it will be such a relief to get out from my huge housing expenses!)

To get a ballpark figure of my RV payment, I have been calculating 10 years at 10%, but I have no idea what kind of financing is actually available. I plan to put 20% down, or about $10K on a $50K purchase. The bank in Northern Michigan will usually match my best financing offer.

My downsizing is dependent on my being able to buy this RV, so let’s hope I can get financing! I have no idea if things are loosening up in the credit markets.

I’ll let you know what they tell me tomorrow.

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panic

February 1, 2010 – 6:00 am

I am kind of freaking out about how much information I post on this blog, but I can’t really come up with a logical reason for why I should be.

At this point, it is not so much that I am afraid people are going to find out these things about me (okay, maybe there are a still few things and a few people), but, strangely, I am more paranoid about people seeing that I’ve decided to share all of this private stuff.

My experience is that even the most unexpected people are really accepting in private, but that there is something indecent about sharing the same things in public. I feel like I am violating a social code or something. Does that make sense?

I mean, I really don’t know what penalty I think I will pay if people find out all this stuff or that I am sharing it publicly. As many of you have already said, people who pretend they’ve got it all together are usually full of shit. And it seems clear that I am gaining a great personal benefit by sharing all of my terrible stuff with you.

But, I’ve told you before that I still have panic attacks about this blog. They are fewer and farther between, but I am having one right now.

mental-cartoon

***

Countup: 70 days of sobriety. Damn, that is starting to sound like something.

Countdown: 88 days until I move into my RV! I have to buy something, soon.

Ask me anything you want to know about the internal combustion engine.

engine

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I love reading your comments and discussions, even when I don’t have the chance to reply and/or participate. I also appreciate hearing from so many new people on recent and old posts. Thanks so much for saying hello! You have no idea how much it means to me. (Or, maybe you do.)

Take care,

Jennifer

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RVers Gone Wild

January 29, 2010 – 6:00 am

I have spent a lot of time alone in this house over the last two and a half years. I have gone days without stepping outside, tearing through a stack of books on any new and random topic. I have played computer games, drank wine, shopped online, called my husband at the Gulf coast.

lonelinessI have been insistent on my need/desire/demand to be alone and to live alone.

Then last summer I started writing on this blog. Then last fall you started writing back to me!

Then I started telling you some. really. terrible. things about myself. And you continued writing back to me!

And, somehow, bizarrely, over the last few weeks, I have started to not like being alone. I am taking off on driving sprees, almost all of which are combined with a plan to visit to some friend or family member. (I did it again this week, driving over two hours to visit a new friend!)

I think my new connection with you is starting to make my old reclusiveness feel terrible.

I am alone in my house realizing that I am f-cking lonely!

The weird thing is that it doesn’t feel like the recognition of some horrible and painful loneliness, but more like having your appetite come back after you’ve gotten over the flu. Like, “Damn, I am hungry! Bring me some f-cking food!”

This maybe-I-don’t-want-to-be-alone realization has been on my mind all week, but the whole topic is a little mushy melodramatic for me.

This blog is an instrument for connection, communication, and conflict – all the things that I am afraid of ineffectively navigating in relationships. Because this is such a strange and provisional online space, I think it ended up feeling like a safe test space where I can try things without the immediate demands of a face to face interaction or relationship.

So, maybe you are reading this because you like all the RV talk, but I am getting a lot more out of it than that. ; )

So, uh, let me know if you ever need an oil change or anything.  No charge.

See you Monday,

Jennifer

***

Countup: Still sober…

Countdown: 91 days until I move into my RV

Auto Mechanics: I made a perfect score on my first Ford certification exam!

I have a viewing on the house tomorrow! Their agent previewed today.

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January 28, 2010 – 6:00 am

cannot-brain-today.

My automotive electrical systems class is hard. I don’t understand it.

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Let me know if you need one

January 27, 2010 – 6:00 am

Mistakenly believing that we were in for another classroom session, I show up for auto mechanics in my favorite heeled boots, a light pink turtleneck, and big curly hair.

“Okay, we are going to the shop to do oil changes today.”

Yikes!

Scrambling to find a hair band in my purse, the next thing I know I’m flat on the ground under an old Mitsubishi, trying to locate the lift joints.

There they are!

I kick the lift bars under the vehicle, line them up with the lift joints, hit the lift button, and up goes the car!  (Lifting a car is seriously cool.)

I find the oil pan, line up the recycling container, and then use a wrench to remove the drain plug. Out comes the oil!  (Some, of course, on me. I’m still learning.) Drain plug back on.

I locate and remove the old filter, spill more oil, and install a new one.

Lowering the car, I add almost four quarts of oil and top off the brake fluid and coolant.

An oil change may be a really simple thing to many or most of you, but I feel like a rock star!

255-27684

***

Still sober!

Countdown:  93 days until I move into my RV!

Auto Mechanics: Next week I will learn engine operation and engine condition diagnosis.

Oh, and I need to tell my instructor my automotive mechanics research paper topic, but I don’t know enough to come up with anything. I want to research something related to RVs. Can you tell me something? I was thinking something about GVWR and all that weight/overweight stuff…

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I have lots of homework

January 26, 2010 – 6:00 am

In lieu of writing a blog post, I am going to try to complete my Ford online course on engine performance.

I’m sure you are proud of me.

funny-pictures-pony-mechanic

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A Thousand Miles

January 25, 2010 – 6:00 am

On Friday, I drove almost 500 miles to test drive an RV. On Saturday I drove 250 miles to the Gulf. On Sunday I drove 250 miles back. I need to remember that part of my RV fantasy is that I love driving. My conundrum has been this:

I might not be able afford the RV I want to drive.
I might not want to drive the RV I can afford.

I finally test drove the Winnebago View on Friday. It was amazing. I love that RV. It is so quiet and so responsive.

On an unrelated note, I saw whooping cranes for my birthday!

I saw whooping cranes at Aransas National Wildlife Refuge for my birthday!

Compared to a traditional class C, the driver seat seems to sit higher and give a better view of the road. (The window feels larger, higher, and/or less obstructed, as well.) It is so agile, you could forget that you are driving an RV.

But a 2006 Winnebago View (the first model year) is probably going to cost at least in the $45K range. If my house sells, that shouldn’t be a problem.

If my house doesn’t sell (and I have to rent it out), I need to find something in the low $20K range. That consideration is what had me looking at older class Cs. The problem is that I hate driving them. I am afraid I’ll be crying after three hours on the road.

So, I didn’t have a good back up plan. I told my husband, “I don’t care if I have to drive my car and pack a tent. I am taking this road trip!” (BTW, he is hugely supportive of the whole endeavor.)

So, starting from the, “I’ll sleep in a tent!” position, I was excited to test drive the Winnebago Rialta. There are some issues (as in difficulty getting them serviced), but it also drives amazingly well.

So, Rialta might not be the exact model I’d get, but if I have to scale back my spending, I think I am going to seriously consider a used class B.

Plan A is definitely the Winnebago View.

Two more people came to see my house!

***

Countup: I get my two month sobriety chip today!

Countdown: 95 days until I move into my RV!

Auto Mechanics: I’m meeting with my instructor

this afternoon to see which tools I need to buy for class.

He suggested something like this plus this.

***

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Test Drive

January 22, 2010 – 6:00 am
Autoelectrical

I heard these were good for bipolar disorder?

I attended my Automotive Electrical Systems course and love it! It is not easy, but it is very, very fun. We played with all sorts of electrical stuff. Why have you guys been keeping all these fun things to yourselves?

I’m driving 460 miles to test drive a 2006 Winnebago View today. (230 miles each way.)

I finally had a second person come look at my house. It’s been very slow….

My birthday is this weekend!

I’ll let you know how the test drive went on Monday. I really hope this one goes better than the last one…

Take care,

Jennifer

By Jennifer | Posted in New Skills, Road Trip, rv | Tagged | Comments (19)

Absent

January 21, 2010 – 6:00 am

laziness03

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